


My Name is Cornelius Crom, and I Hunt Monsters

by GeorgeCTaylor



Category: Original Work
Genre: Comedy, Creepy, Creepypasta, Gen, Horror, Humor, Hunters & Hunting, Kelpies, Monster Hunters, Monsters, Mystery, Scotland, Supernatural Elements, Swords
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25913446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeorgeCTaylor/pseuds/GeorgeCTaylor
Summary: The unusually named Cornelius Crom tells of his experience with monsters and general misconceptions about them. He then recites a specific experience involving a Kelpie and a drunk in Scotland, as well as a more violent experience with a monster he had never seen before.
Kudos: 6





	My Name is Cornelius Crom, and I Hunt Monsters

My name is Cornelius Crom, and I hunt monsters.

  
Well, maybe hunt is too harsh a word. Sure, I hunt them down and slay them if necessary, but it seems there’s a big misconception when dealing with these creatures. Most encounters you hear majorly involve people fearing for their lives from hideous beasts, narrowly escaping with the monsters hot on their tail. Evidently these encounters rarely have any direct interaction with the monster, and obviously the one telling the story isn’t dead. Do you really think you can outrun a supernatural creature? No! Of course not! Truth is, even the most horrendous, deformed monstrosities are just like any other person. Stupid, nervous, and just trying to live normally. Of course, there are always those beasts filled with malevolence and hatred who live to kill and consume. Now those are the ones I hunt down. And I do it quite happily! Damn troublemakers, always killing people... Anyway, I have been at this game for a while and have never met another person like me! Nobody hunts or even interacts with the monsters like I do... at least not in Britain of course, I should really do some travelling just thinking about it... I’m sure Greece is full of creatures! Yeah... seeing a Minotaur would be quite the experience. Wait, let me not lose my train of thought. I had the idea to write some of my findings down on paper in a uh... oh, like a guide of sorts! Mostly in case I forget anything, or for any successor I may happen to train in the future. Or maybe for when I die a horrible death at the hands of some nightmarish terror! It’d be nice to have some form of legacy. Though I guess it could be disregarded as the cravings of a mad man... just swings and roundabouts.

  
Now why am I writing this again...? Oh yes! I have recently encountered creatures unlike anything I know of from ancient folklore. Seems these are modern monsters. Pale humanoids ranging anywhere from 5 to 9 feet tall. They have long, gangly limbs and are skinnier than a white girl’s latte. Facial features vary greatly between individuals; however they all seem to have wide mouths littered with thin needles for teeth. Truly these things are the true embodiment of humanity’s primordial fears. Tulpas forced into being by the collective consciousness of the world. Or not, I don’t really know; I don’t even know where any of these monsters come from! You would think I would have some inkling, but alas I am lacking in that knowledge. Now, where was I? Oh right, I call these monsters Rake-likes as they share familiar characteristics with the creature known as the Rake. Just some silly online story meant to spook people and put the willies up them, and yet... these things exist. And I’ve taken it upon myself to hunt them down when they cause trouble.

  
That’s probably enough exposition and background information for now I’d say. On to my actual first encounter with one of these Rake-likes. I’ll jump right into it: I was investigating several missing persons reports around a secluded Loch up in the north of Scotland. Oh I can picture it now; I didn’t see the sun the entire time I was up there. Grey clouds over grey hills and deep dark pools… Stare too deep into the Lochs, and you’re bound fall in accidentally – I sure know I did! So, now soaking wet and remaining so due to the constant misty rain, I observed the Loch, and theorised the most likely culprit for the disappearances to be a Kelpie. Water horses that supposedly drag victims into lakes and Lochs to drown them. I had yet to see one, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited! This was only a couple of years into my monster hunting shenanigans, so lots of things were still new to me. I carried a silver-steel alloy sword on my back to deal with most monsters. Luckily, the area was secluded enough that a sword wouldn’t attract much attention. The air was still; stagnant, even. I was hidden among some trees on the edge of the Loch, watching, waiting, on the lookout for anything. 

  
Finally, after 4 hours of shivering in my damp, heavy clothes, I heard rustling to my left. Something was coming through the trees. And there it was, the kelpie! It had seemed I was correct in my assumptions. The kelpie was quite the sight! And by that, I mean it was horrific to look at. It was basically a malformed horse, with greenish skin and covered in deep, oozing wounds. Its neck was twisted, as though it had been run over by an 18-wheeler several times over. It staggered with an ungainly irregular gate, its piercing red eyes staring off into the distance. I continued to watch the creature as it slowly eased its way towards the water and take a drink. Inexplicably, that very moment, an extremely drunk man staggered towards the horse, seemingly unaware of its grotesque nature. Seems he was an American tourist; judging by his accent, he was likely from the Midwest. “Darn weather! When the *hic* where the hell- *hic* am I anyway...” The man spoke unabashedly to no one in particular, groaning and slurring as he mumbled under his breath.   
“Ooh, a horse! Hey there horsey... horsey McHorseface?” The man chuckled and cooed at the kelpie. The kelpie seemed to flinch, only to quickly return to standing solemnly, still staring into the distance. Unblinking. The drunkard looked towards where the kelpie was staring. “I’m gonna *hic* swim in the Loccccch!” Spoke the man, almost cheerfully. He proceeded to take off his jacket, shirt, and trousers, leaving him mostly naked with his beer belly spilling out of his underwear. Honestly, his gravest mistake was keeping his socks on to go in the water! Now, I don’t like to judge people much, but being willing to get his socks wet made that man the scum of the earth. In my humble opinion, of course. Maybe I should have stopped him entering the water, but honestly at the time I was still mad about the wet socks. The drunkard started trudging into the Loch.

  
“STOP!” A voice boomed through air and echoed off the surrounding hills. It was deep but wistful and hoarse. I jumped a little when hearing it, I looked around to find the source of the voice. But there was no one else around. The drunk man had whisked around and fallen on his arse in the knee deep water upon hearing the voice.   
“SWIM, AND DROWN YOU FOOL. RETURN, TO LIVE MUCH LONGER, LEST YOU LOSE YOUR LIFE.” The voice spoke again in a calm yet demanding tone. “Hey, who said that?! You can’t tell me what to do you – *hic* – disembodied voice...” The man cried, his voice shaking with panic. The man frantically looked around before running further into the water. “I AM THE GUARDIAN OF THE LAKE! SPIRIT OF THE WATER! I’M THE... DAMN HORSE, NOW STOP!”   
The man stopped. The water now settled just below his nipples. He turned to look at the horse. “Oh you think I’m gonna listen to a talking *hic* horse?!” The man shouted, his voice cracking as he attempted to be as loud as possible. He appeared to chuckle, hiccough, and then started swimming further out once more.  
“BLOODY TOURISTS!” The voice boomed once more, obviously done with warnings. It was at this point I decided to reveal myself and come out of the forest. I approached the kelpie slowly whilst announcing my presence.  
“Hello? Mr Kelpie-horse-sir? I don’t want to speak out of turn, but maybe you should save that man?” I said tentatively. The kelpie slowly turned his head to face me, his red eyes simultaneously piercing, yet soulless.  
“MY NAME IS DOUGLAS,” the kelpie boomed harshly, “WHY SHOULD I SAVE SUCH A FOOL? THE OTHERS NEVER HEEDED MY WARNINGS EITHER! PLUS HE DIDN'T EVEN TAKE OFF HIS SOCKS, THEY WILL BE ALL SQUISHY AND UNCOMFORTABLE NOW!”  
“Well I'm glad we agree on one thing... But listen, if he lives, he can warn others not to swim in the Loch while drunk – I was planning to suggest to the authorities that they make this area inaccessible to the public, so they can leave you in peace. A partially drowned man may convince them. See look, he’s starting to drown right now!” I pointed towards the drunk man, now flailing around in the darkened water. Douglas the kelpie was silent for a moment. He turned towards the man again.  
“SO BE IT. BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE CALLED ME BY MY FATHER’S NAME,” he boomed once more before striding into the water, seemingly becoming one with it.  
“Uh huh, cool, yeah, I’ll just wait here I guess... wait you mean your father was named Horsey McHorseface?” I said. Douglas did not answer leaving me to question if his full name was god damn "Douglas McHorseface". I saw the man sink into the inky blackness, hoping I’d sent Douglas in quick enough. After a few seconds though, Douglas materialised from the depths, the drunkard draped upon his back. The man slowly slid off of Douglas and landed flat on his back with a loud thud. This was somehow enough to push out any water from his lungs, as the man spewed it out like a fountain before coughing, spluttering, and finally passing out. I looked at the drunkard now splayed out unconscious in the dirt and sneered at the site of his soppy wet socks.   
“Thank you, Douglas, I’ll be sure to get this place restricted so you can guard this place in peace.” I said, respectively.  
“GOOD. NOW, BEGONE! I’M TIRED OF BABYSITTING IDIOTIC DRUNK HUMANS!” Boomed Douglas, somehow even louder now.  
“But you let five people drown...” I protested shyly. But Douglas merely scoffed and traipsed back into the Loch. He seemed to drip with indifference as the black ooze did from his wounds. 

I managed to contact the local police and hospital to get that drunken fool medical attention. After hiding my sword, I informed the authorities of the danger of the loch and thankfully they blocked up the road connecting the Loch to the nearest residential areas. Won’t necessarily stop people getting there, but it at least makes it harder! 

Now where was I even going with this story? Something dangerous that I'm trying to remember... It's coming to me now just wait a tick. Think think think... Oh of Course! I snuck back into the area shortly after, to inform Douglas of the changes. I didn’t find Douglas... Instead I found something much, much worse. In the woods on the edge of the Loch, I saw a pale figure staring at me, crouched down, and partially hidden behind a tree. Lanky, emaciated and worst of all, silent. I had never seen nor recognised a creature such as this. I watched it, and it watched me through beady black eyes. I attempted to speak to it as I often do with new monsters. But it didn’t move or react at all. Troubled, I looked around to see if there was anyone else around. I hoped Douglas would pop out and scare it off or something. Upon looking back, however, the creature was gone. I didn’t know whether to be relieved it was gone, or worried that I no longer had sight of it. I decided the latter was more sensible and pulled my sword from its scabbard, prepared for whatever came next. 

  
Suddenly, I heard the pattering of footsteps on the damp soil to my right. I turned to see the horrendous erratic movements of the creature coming towards me. It was like a hairless sloth walking on the ground but sped up to five times its speed! I screamed as anyone would, and bolted, too scared to face it head on. I ran into the woods to try to lose it in trees, but alas, it got me. Bit right through my bloody shoe! And now my bloody shoe was, well... bloody. I struggled to get away, momentarily forgetting I had a sword in my hand. Eventually, I remembered and stabbed the creature in the eye. It howled a high pitch squeal, like that of a cat being wrung like a wet towel. I rose to face the thing, struggling to stand on my continuously bleeding foot. I pointed my sword at the creature.“You want some more, skinny?!” I shouted, teasing the beast. The creature clasped its eye and smiled, bearing its sharp needle-like teeth. I grimaced at the sight. I had burst its eye, and the gelatinous contents leaked through its long, slender fingers. It rushed, bouncing off the trunk of one of the trees, and launched towards me. A fool’s errand of course. Now more prepared and less uh... frightened, I performed a mighty swing and politely removed the monster’s head from its shoulders.

  
As the mist of red cleared, I saw the creature’s limp body on the ground. Along with its head still bouncing to a stop a few metres away. I had no time to examine the body though, as it promptly dissolved into mulch before my eyes. Pretty normal really; there’s a reason you don’t find monster bodies or bones around – because there are none! And then... well, I went home. That’s the end of the encounter. I was certainly bemused by that odd creature, so I did a little research. I learned of the Rake, as well as other encounters with similar cryptids. I just had to write a new entry in my guide about them, and I’m updating it with each encounter. Luckily, the first one I fought was small and easy to dispatch, but since then I’ve faced more challenging varieties, in fact I have plenty more encounters I can recall! Whether it be with other rake-likes or the myriad of other monsters out there, I’ve got ’em all! Whether the world is ready for these encounters or not... I can’t really say.

**Author's Note:**

> I had to write this on a tablet so unfortunately the formatting is not exactly how I wanted it but the words are all there so apologise if anyone has trouble reading.


End file.
